For many men, showing emotions after loss or grief doesn’t come naturally.

Is it ok to show tears?

I wonder why this is. Is it macho behaviour, shame, fear of losing control, or maybe fear of feeling vulnerable?

Playing Hide and Seek


What I notice, for example, is the wearing of large sunglasses at funerals. If you pay attention, you will see men (and women too) at every funeral wearing big sunglasses. The emotions are there, but it looks we find it difficult to show them in public. The question then is: who is fooling whom?

Ego


Many men still struggle to balance reason and emotion. The mind often says it is important to be successful, while the feelings say it is time to do things differently. In my work, I also often see that men find it difficult to admit they are touched by their emotions. What I notice in conversations is something strange happens. We start to rationalise. By rationalising, we step away from our feelings and let our head take over. Asking questions like ‘what could I have done differently?’ or ‘why is this happening to me?’ we search for rational answers. This approach often helps us find answers, but our feelings are not allowed to come along. And that is a pity, because the feelings were there and could have helped if we had allowed them in. In that respect, there is much to gain, and we can learn a lot from most women.

Shame


And why is it that we are allowed to show our emotions when we are happy or proud? Apparently, positive emotions are easily accepted. Could it be that it is not so much shame or fear of losing control, but vulnerability? If shame or control were the reasons, then you would expect men not to cheer loudly at a great sporting achievement or celebrate extensively when winning a very profitable contract. So, in our European culture, there seems to be a connection between the type of emotion and whether you are allowed to show it or not.

Vulnerability


Of course, it is sometimes difficult to be vulnerable and show your emotions — at work, in public, and even at home. For this, it is important to feel a certain level of safety. Fortunately, it is possible to create this safety. Not by changing other people, but by being open to your feelings the next time they arise and accept and embrace them rather then push them away.